Causes, Gratitude

Everyday Battle Against Worthlessness | #ishithaa #selflove

Everyday Battle Against Worthlessness

Age 6: A cheerful girl, friendly and in love with her life. Excels in whatever she does and is the apple of the eye of her parents and teachers.

6 years and a new school later, that girl is no longer there. She cannot find happiness with people; she does not like her new school. Waking up and meeting the new classmates is what her nightmares are made of.

Fatso, pig and many other rude expletives are the names by which her ‘friends’ call her in the new school.

Never before in her life had she looked at a mirror and seen a fat girl. All she had seen was a little girl with bright dreams in her eyes and a spirit she thought was uncrushable.

But what met her eyes now, was a dark skinned fat girl with glasses that covered her eyes. She was big, ugly and unlovable. There was no fire in her anymore.

Worthlessness became her shadow and food was her new best friend that helped her fight loneliness.

As her self-esteem fell, so did her grades.

As her friends reduced, so did her aloofness increase.

Then began the hunt in the market – for a man of her dreams, someone who would love her for who she is.

In 2013, she settled for what she thought the best she could have. Someone who saw through her, but never saw her. The guy the parents approved of, but the one who wanted to change her inside out.

Then 2014 happened.

Like they say, when you hit rock bottom, the only way left is upwards.

It is a daily struggle, the need to be seen yet the want to remain unseen.

Smiling when your insides are melting with self-pity and loathing.

Battling worthlessness while you still seek validation.

The love-hate relationship with food while you still cannot love yourself.

This path is not easy, the one earmarked to make you fall in love with yourself. But it is a journey that must be undertaken.

It is a conscious decision, every day. A path that not many would understand, heck I myself have no clue on some days what the point of all this is.

But, sticking on to the motto of dress up and show up – some days, literally, has definitely helped a great deal.

The days I don’t wake up feeling great, I take the effort to dress up – maybe a bit too much for the corporate culture – but the effort is to make me smile and appreciate the person I see in the mirror.

It is not an easy path, self-love. But the struggle is definitely worth it.

Call me narcissistic as I post one selfie after another, but excuse me, you who have said nothing when I hated myself have no voice to say anything when I love myself.

If you are struggling with body image issues or are a victim of body shaming, know that you are not alone, know that their words should not affect you.

You are beautiful, just the way you are.

You are worthy of all the happiness in the world.

You are worthy of being loved.

I know it is hard, but it helps a great deal to tell this to myself like a mantra. Day in, day out – just remind yourself – you are worthy.

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Writing to me is therapy, it frightens and comforts at the same time. Liberates like nothing else. A book in my own name is a dream, but a bigger dream would be to write something that haunts the reader even after the last page is turned and the book is shut. I enjoy reading and music, spending time with family whilst battling my social awkwardness.

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Author: Bhavya

Writing to me is therapy, it frightens and comforts at the same time. Liberates like nothing else. A book in my own name is a dream, but a bigger dream would be to write something that haunts the reader even after the last page is turned and the book is shut. I enjoy reading and music, spending time with family whilst battling my social awkwardness.

9 Comments on “Everyday Battle Against Worthlessness | #ishithaa #selflove

  1. I know this feeling. Even now at times, this whole episode of worthlessness and what;s the point creeps into me. But to be very frank, I love life so much, that I just don’t want to give up on anything.

  2. It’s difficult to go out when you see yourself from the eyes of those who don’t see you. Like Roshan said, I understand it from a personal point of view too, same and also in a different way.
    Vinay Leo R.’s latest…SolaceMy Profile

  3. Know that you are not alone to feel worthlessness. I still do. I’m battling these insecurities everyday. We don’t have to look beautiful, slim, and successful to feel worthy of all that we deserve. This is my first read of the day and the raw honesty soothed me. Thanks for sharing this, Bhavya!

  4. Extremely sad how we shame people and fat shaming is one of them. I think Shuchi’s book I am Big so What has explored the issue and brought up sensitive questions in a superb manner. I am amazed how she made Roli, her fat character the relatable heroine.

  5. So well expressed. It is a battle I struggle with too. In a world full of judgemental people, feeling worthless is such a common thing. Some learn to cope by making themselves feel worthy. While others cope by making others feel worthless too.

    Reading a blog post after a very long time. Absolutely loved the emotions in this one.

  6. well written and felt emotional too. But i would like to highlight something which i often feel is overlooked or taken for granted. You mentioned bodyshaming & fat shaming. Well its not always being fat. Girls who are thin also undergo body shaming. They are also given names & teased. And i totally agree with the feeling of worthlessness which i believe can be due to other reasons too. The world is too rude to ignore.
    Well, we should get over it. May be these instances in life help you grow stronger and love yourself more.

  7. We experience hell and heaven on this little world only . It is upto us whether to enjoy the bad experience or the good ones. At least we are fortunate enough to experience . Right ??? We should’nt underestimate ourself cause of any other idiot human being. Know your worth not your price !!!!!

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