Dear Son

I wake up, perspiring. The clock is ticking and I know I don’t have much time. The sun is setting and the shadows are growing longer. The darkness does nothing to calm me, I know it is just a dream that shook me up so; but lately my reality is becoming more horrific than my nightmares. I do not even attempt to go back to sleep, The mere thought of seeing all that I am trying to forget makes me want to throw up. This kind of violent reaction to pain I had never imagined as I had always thought the ability to bear pain was one of my strengths.

Life as I know it is changing right before my eyes. These days pass by in a haze. Waking up in the afternoons, spending sleepless nights, either eating everything that comes before my eyes or at times running away from food like it is poison….. my daily schedule had begun to look like this now. It seems like life too is afraid of me, scared to come near me for I would strangle it too like I did to that small being that grew inside of me. I long for life, I long for you to live!

What kind of a woman am I, one that willingly lets the world take away her child. No, it was not a girl, it was a he. They told me after they killed him, my son. They took his life even before he had taken a single breath on this beautiful earth.

My husband, the father, your father devoid of any emotions, signed the paper to kill you…. ‘Girl or boy, we cannot have this child. My wife’s life is more important than a second child.’

Now your sister will forever be alone because this surgery they say will make me barren.. unable to gift her a sibling…she who lights up my world. Who will be there for her when I am gone? They call me crazy for hitting her, but little children need to be disciplined or they grow up to be hooligans. They don’t let her come to me, she does not want to either. I love her with all my heart, yet she is afraid of me, her own mother!!

You could have easily taken her place, if only they had let you live!

They say I don’t have much time; does that mean I have to spend whatever time I have weeping and in agony? Don’t you think I deserve happiness too?

They lurk in the shadows, waiting for me to turn my back and to pounce on me. If they had their way, they would take me away. I am scared of them, but I can tell no one. They don’t understand. Their needles hurt me, but make the shadows go away for a while. They put me to sleep and go about their own businesses, I am again woken up by those very shadows. When those things come near, I feel so sad and happy at the same time. I want them to take me but I am too scared. They say I belong to them, their world of shadows and that this world of people like your father is not for me. Maybe they are right, but even then, how can I go?

I fight every minute to stay with these people, these very people who call me crazy.

 

My friend Leo and I  are writing on the same theme for the AtoZ2015. The word for the alphabet S that we've chosen is Shadow. 
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Writing to me is therapy, it frightens and comforts at the same time. Liberates like nothing else. A book in my own name is a dream, but a bigger dream would be to write something that haunts the reader even after the last page is turned and the book is shut. I enjoy reading and music, spending time with family whilst battling my social awkwardness.

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2 thoughts on “Dear Son

  1. yeah. the loss of a child, no matter what the reason, will hurt the mom like nothing else ever can. for the bond between them was not shared by anyone else over 9 months, alle? poignant story, Ishi.
    Leo’s latest…A Game of ShadowsMy Profile

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